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Jul. 26th, 2006 @ 10:35 pm
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fuckin a, man. i don't want to go home.
meg: if i could become an aquarium seal, i'd probably make more money than i would as a smith graduate.
sim: yeah, but you'd have to become a seal first.
meg: no, i could just do tricks. arf! arf!
we may have been cooped up in this apartment for too long.
in other news, i have caught the west nile virus that is infecting 5 out of every 10 mosquitoes in new orleans. oops, 7 out of 10. i have acquired six "pox" to date. for more information, go to westnilefever.com.
that's all for now. |
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Jul. 22nd, 2006 @ 05:20 pm
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in new orleans with a sudden urge to use this thing.
i'm loving it down here, loving it so damn much. every time i look around, there is something new and beautiful-- art, architecture, people. i love the people. the ones i know, the ones i see on the street (even the mexican man who groped meg the other day). it's so different and no one in new england could possibly understand without seeing how free this people are. it's not reckless, it's just a whole different mindset of living as much as you possibly can. maybe that's what i was always missing.
i am not pretending to be changed, to be someone new and different. i was always me, the whole time. i had a very brief talk last night about camp. i don't regret not going back. i regret some things that happened, but had they not happened, i might be back there again, stuck in rhode island. it's not awful at all, it's just not me. the people who know me don't care; they love me regardless. it's the memories i will keep.
there's so much to look forward to at smith-- i just can't imagine life there without corinne, emily and sarah. but i'm so grateful for all of the love i've got coming my way (all the way from the UK!)
this didn't mean much, after all. |
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Dec. 29th, 2005 @ 02:04 pm
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so, instead of straightening my room, i decided to dig out all of my closet (which i haven't cleaned since the move... actually, probably since the move from plymouth, two houses ago) and sort through shit. no matter how many times i sort, i find more and more memories each time. there were so many things i found in this sorting that i hadn't thought about in years, really. i don't know why i find it important to record them, but i don't want to forget them again. i have lost virtually all of the people who were so important to me in high school... that is probably my biggest regret. there were people who meant the world, and now i can't even find them on the facebook (shut up).
i found memories from mine, meg r & elena's trip to nyc december of our freshman year. i can't even remember what the band was called... wait: lunch with sylvia!
i found mementos from grease, which was probably my favorite hendricken summer play (so i only did two, it ties godspell for best hendricken experience, anyway). i met michelle, chris, julie, edwina... so many more people did that play. rachael was even supposed to!
bv-tv... i had completely forgotten michelle and i anchored together. that mr. lord had to kick me off for weeks at a time, in response to complaints from teachers.
a lot of things from molly came up, which was so odd looking back on. she's still a junior, and i keep thinking she's long gone to school.
weird poems and letters from spring 2004, things written to claire, and beautiful art projects from emma.
a whole photo album from school-to-career that they made me. i had forgotten how much i loved community service, really.
journal from senior year christian lifestyles: remember how everyone had to write something nice about us? my favorite entry was when we had to talk about our untapped potential:
-my potential to be a nuclear physicist is untapped.
-my career as a basketball star is untapped.
-my ability to reflect is untapped.
people i've long since forgotten about: valerie, larissa, inside jokes i haven't heard in years. people - my absolute best friends - whom i never see or speak to, and who have somehow developed grudges against me. how did this all happen?
records of haines quotes, a list of those who paid for her gifts-- katie, myself and i think meg went shopping for them. or maybe it was amanda. why did things go bad with everyone? we all meant more at the time.
coming back to rhode island, i realized that i had allowed myself to sink into the smith bubble, and not reach out to the girls i'd loved. i even lost touch with meg, who goes to smith. in spite of everything, i had a wonderful high school experience. i want to write everyone letters thanking them and apologizing, but i wouldn't know where to begin, or if it would mean the same anymore.
i think we grew up without realizing it. someday, meg and i will take a long drive down to the beach again, and lose it along the way.
♥ |
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Dec. 15th, 2005 @ 05:12 pm
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january: "what do you hear in these sounds?" - dar williams
february: "knuckle down" - ani difranco
march: "worn me down" - rachael yamagata
april: "somewhere only we know" - keane
may: "the first single (cause a scene)" - the format
june: "you and me of the 10,000 wars" - indigo girls
july: "eye in the sky" - jonatha brooke and "jericho" - hilary duff (shut up)
august: "sugar, we're going down" - fall out boy
september: "such great heights" - postal service
october: "hurricane" - adrianne
november: "engine driver" - the decemberists
december: "wreck of the day" - anna nalick
♥ |
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Nov. 16th, 2005 @ 11:01 pm
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this is always the time of year when "evolve" becomes the soundtrack to my life. is it?
staying in a posh warwick, ri hotel this weekend with the love of my life. i could be in a cardboard box with that girl and be happy. i'm sorry if that was politically incorrect.
even through this happiness, i get sad. i'm not sure why that is. i've never had such bad luck with a season.
thanksgiving break in a week: sarah's coming home with me, to witness my insane family.
everyone's insane family. give or take some born-agains.
a break will do us well. performance art, as it turns out, is not my calling. or at least, not until i turn into a complete masochist. but honestly, where's the fun in that?
i think a girl is sitting hunched over crying in lamont. maybe it's the rain. it is beautiful in a hurricane kind of way.
i'm taking ballet ii, realism, milton, directing & mod brit/am drama. forty grand, i tell you.
angel in the form of a girl just walked in. home.
♥ |
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Oct. 31st, 2005 @ 12:42 pm
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i have decided that halloween is my favorite weekend. ever.
♥ |
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Oct. 29th, 2005 @ 04:09 pm
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my friends are probably the best group of people i know. they love me for all my peculiarities, flaws, and fuck ups. they celebrate the friggin weirdest things about me, and let me bitch for hours on end. so thank you, guys. these two weeks have been hell; you've been angels.
tonight is the house party, last night was getting caught sneaking into hampshire halloween (which i think was more fun than actually going would have been).
fall is always the season where my heart seems to be breaking.
♥ & glitter. |
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Oct. 24th, 2005 @ 08:32 pm
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we just got the smithereens recording sessions in from this past spring and my solo is on it.
i have a solo on a cd. i feel like a little kid-- it's phenomenal.
life is hectic at best. but it's still pretty damn good.
♥ |
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Oct. 20th, 2005 @ 12:44 am
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ps: tonight is the first night i've remembered to take them. to stop fucking up. for you. for us.
god, i'm sorry. |
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Oct. 19th, 2005 @ 10:55 pm
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one of my finer qualities: my ability to pretend i'm okay even when everything is falling apart.
i am a hurricane. |
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this thing may as well not exist. i am playing again. i'm going to do it. i'm going to do it right. this is no time to let go of my dreams. the window is open and the cool air is what is keeping me sane right now. i don't think fall is my season: it never has been. i don't want to watch myself slowly decline. i have lost touch with almost all of the people i am close to. i don't actually feel close to anyone, really, with one or two exceptions. why am i so censored? why do i feel like i can't hurt anyone? when all i'm actually doing is hurting everyone around me.
how do you stop? how do you feel again? or stop feeling everything?
i'm leaving las vegas
the light's so bright
palms sweat, black jack
on a saturday night
i'm leaving las vegas
i'm leaving for good
love&glitter.
Oct. 13th, 2005 @ 08:24 pm
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so...
kate's at matt's. corinne's in nyc. twins are at home. sarah is nowhere to be found. julie's in the ghetto. and my night could not get much worse.
except that peach's operation went really really well & i am so thankful for that. mom's starts when she gets back from florida (surprise vacation?). arch sing is tomorrow, and zinsser is back in town, thank god. also, saw molly malcolm at la creperie today. what a lovely, welcome surprise.
what do you do when you fuck up? admit it and move on. or try your damndest.
i think a girl at lamont just took a picture of me out the window.
on the ride home there was a black and orange sky with lightning and on and off downpours. it was entirely surreal. i sat out in the rain to bring myself back, but just ended up cold and wet.
on the plus side, i have my guitar again. and not a moment too soon.
i don't want you to let go. because i'm not.
♥
Sep. 17th, 2005 @ 09:24 pm
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trying desperately to pack (and unpack), and having little luck. i apparently have too many clothes. but, thanks to the loft, i am efficiently folding & conserving space. i got a transfer to holyoke, so i at least have a permanant job lined up for when school starts (albeit, one that is 2874 miles away).
after the staff dinner, i'm not sure how much i want to return. i think i may have moved on. i went back and forth all summer- internship or camp- and i cannot deny that i had an amazing summer. it was a big summer of growth, and learning how to relax & let go. i let go of a lot, including a lot of the things that were slowly giving me an ulcer, haha. i think it was good to prioritize, as well. i need to come first, before everything else. i was very, very selfish this summer, trying to figure myself out. i don't know if i'm done being selfish. i don't know if you'll be able to love me at the end of this. but it's something i needed to do.
talking to sarah yesterday was like a breath of fresh air. there is life after camp, after rhode island. there are two of the best people i've known waiting to come back to me (although one won't pick up her phone currently because she's having too much sex!), and so many wonderful things in store. i have to be a role model (ha!) to a bunch of first years i've never met. i have to rise above whatever i'm feeling and accept everyone (and encourage kate to do the same!) and probably be a better person. can i do it?
oh for god's sake, of course.
i am leaving 'cause i love you, i am leaving 'cause i don't
and i'm hoping you will follow & i'm praying that you won't
(let me go)
♥
Aug. 24th, 2005 @ 02:38 pm
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so ann taylor loft's september cd is pretty hipster... wow, loft. i'm confused. in other news, my insides are wripping themselves out and i'm convinced it's because i started bc. this is god's way of punishing a sinner like myself.
staff dinner is tomorrow night and i don't have an outfit yet-- i have to go shopping tomorrow. last year, i could have done this with vera & laura; now, i have to make sure i look alright by myself? something seems wrong with this. and after that... it's over. i've got a week from today to say my goodbyes & try to assemble my life in time to help first years assemble theirs. should they really be taking hints from someone like me? do i tell the truth - 'how to fuck up your first year: a short story by simone' or do i just keep my distance a little bit? you know me and distance - our relationship doesn't really exist, as is proof by how hard it is going to be leaving RI again.
my dove promises chocolate said that today was the perfect day for a bubble bath. i may take it up on that offer.
in a moment, everything can change
Aug. 21st, 2005 @ 06:09 pm
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ryburns came to visit me at work tonight. not only did it make my entire night, it really got me thinking. do i want to come back more than i thought? do i want another year in anawan village? am i completely insane? these questions might all have the same answer. who knows; a year is a long time.
today, though, ended everything. i will miss things i didn't think i could possibly miss (my kids, the ethiopes, julio sequira) & i made sure to make my kids crowns & buy them slinkster-cool huge sunglasses so they could look like me. we came in last place, as usual, for tribe games (i love that, i honestly do) and shared tribe of the week with evan, only because we had to since it was the last week and we hadn't gotten it. i love that even more.
this was a joke summer, i think. everything was crazy & off the hook, and completely unexpected. i had zero control, with kids, with life. i thought it was hysterical. and honestly? i had the best time. i hope that smith can stay this fun-- i have faith that, with kate as my roommate, it will. speaking of which, there's this new purse at the Loft that i cannot wait to purchase.
tomorrow is post-camp, monday is the staff dinner, and i leave in nine days to go back to smith. have i packed? no. have i even unpacked from the move from NK? absolutely not. i don't see much of a point now. all i know is that i have two jars of pickles, a new barbie toothbrush, and two disposable cameras to look forward to this week, and that ed bought me the new hilary duff most wanted cd. i think, right now, that life is pretty good.
♥
Aug. 19th, 2005 @ 10:14 pm
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it seems that all the songs i've been listening to lately have been written about me. usually, i'm the one doing the singing, to someone i miss, or lost. for some reason, though, it's different. my whole mentality is different. i feel stronger now, more complete with just myself.
in two weeks all this will be tested. the sooner you leave, the sooner you're home.
♥
Aug. 14th, 2005 @ 05:47 pm
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a few points:
- tom hanks. audrey tautou. da vinci code. 2006. probably widely known already, but i'm still excited.
- shopping spree today (miniature). only three items. but quite a dent in my wallet.
- more of a dent tomorrow at ATL.
- so good to see meg again, and saw vanessa last night. won two games of mall madness.
- there is a smithies10 livejournal community. my monster has turned into medusa, just growing new heads. this is sickening.
- there is also a facebook community called "09s should not be able to join the facebook until 7 september 2005." i feel that, as a hons, i am not eligible to join, but support the activists in their efforts wholeheartedly.
- erica left for north carolina today. i really really miss her. this is the only thing i am certain of.
- three weeks from today is smith!
- american idol song-narrowing is underway.
♥love.
Aug. 7th, 2005 @ 08:40 pm
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wow, a real update.
i am so torn right now, so in between. it's always fun during the day, in the middle of all the action, all the fun & magic that is summer and the people at camp. at night, things tend to come crashing down, whether it's my fault or just circumstance. i don't know that i want to go back to smith yet. i want to see kate & sarah, i want to sing with the 'reens (but not have any group drama). i want to see what's going to happen with erica. but i don't want to be judged, i don't want to have uncomfortable situations, and i don't want to be a mean person anymore. i think. this was never me; what happened?
i can be so manipulative. this summer has been the least needy i have ever seen myself. i have been so detached, so distanced, from everyone, even those whom i never thought i would distance myself. at the same time, it's the attention i crave and i know that. wow, honesty. where did you come from? but i feel awful. i have so much love in my heart; it is not black (as i let myself think sometimes). there was too much hurt this year, this is a defense mechanism.
maybe i do want to go back home to smith. it is home, after all. the fact that my brazilian was, yet again, the most relaxing part of my day makes me want camp to end soon. but the people - gosh. i love them & hate them, all at the same time. maybe i just love & hate who i am with them. maybe it's just who i am.
on the plus side, i cheated my way into a first-place victory in the anawan shoot out, for the second consecutive year. this time it was almost fair, though. i just had more twizzlers to give away than evan did.
i've been here so long i think that its time to move
the winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
love&glitter.
Aug. 5th, 2005 @ 07:47 pm
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so, i'm going through a bit of a selfish phase right now. i think i deserve one after the stress of this past year, but i guess it's not the best thing for everyone else.
this weekend was pretty much amazing. i drove down to east lyme, ct on friday to visit em clark - we went to the clay aiken concert (oh good lord, but it was hysterical) & saw willy wonka on saturday. seeing her was just what i needed - it was informative, but it let me realize that i do miss smith, to a great extent, although i'm not ready to go back. today ed took me to the waterpark in portsmouth nh, which was also fabulous. this past week was the best i've had at camp in a long time, and things are going pretty well.
i'm being pulled in so many directions right now, and i am the one doing all of the pulling. i need to go shopping; i haven't been in over a month, i think, and i need the satisfaction only wrentham can give me. meg, saturday? it's around this time of summer i always seem to need a break - week five is usually pretty rough, so i'm not sure if god's giving me a break or if i've just broken the cycle. either way, right now i'm feeling kind of empty, even with all the wonderful people surrounding me. i feel like the one person who is supposed to be around i've pushed away, and that's pretty much my own fault. but right now, i need this time. for me. because i basically have no idea what i'm doing.
but honestly, how is that new?
♥
Jul. 31st, 2005 @ 10:29 pm
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just for a good time, i thought i'd update.
we're in the new house now, in providence. it's lovely, marred by the fact that i'm a little pissed off right now. very close, very convenient, very much ours. camp is fucking nuts, as is everyone who works there (only the best, my darlings). as a side note, tomorrow is halloween, and my costume is kickass, albeit for a prissy bitch.
i have seen erica twice this month, and it's fabulous. it just works, and i'm not too worried right now. everything else, really, is inconsequential. i want to be back at smith.
so there, really. entertainment factor - low. real life drama factor, regardless, is always high.
♥
Jul. 27th, 2005 @ 10:46 pm
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back down to NP for the week... but before i go, this is for you.
i'm imagining your frame
every angle
and every plane
i'm imagining your smell
the one that mingled with mine
once upon a time
thoughts of you
are picketing my brain
they refuse
to work such long hours without rest
in unstable conditions at best
they're out there every day
holding up there signs
and thoughts of no other man but you
could possibly get through
the picket lines
to enter into my mind
i'm imagining your laugh again
the one you save for your family
and your very
close
friends
i'm imagining the way you say my name
i don't know when
i'm going to hear it again
my friends can't tell
my laughter from my cries
someone tell this photograph of you
to let go of my eyes
i'm imagining your frame
i'm imagining your smell
i'm imagining your laugh again
and the way you say my name
♥
Jul. 10th, 2005 @ 07:02 pm
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a few key points:
- this week was amazing. nights, days-- just wonderful. we had nessa's surprise party last night down at mike's beach house... it's strange to me to see her grow, every year; i still see her as the little girl i grew up alongside, but now, with so much added to herself. she is so beautiful & it was a great time, although my twister coordination was lacking a bit by the end.
- made dean's list, but still unsure of our living quarters. a junior double might be available, and kate&i are going to jump on it (but we already put in for a room change, so why would we not have it?). whatever happens, though, i've got the best roommate possible.
- i clearly cannot pack anymore. i have found such amusing anecdotes as the "manic monday" edited lyrics from junior year newcomer's, a letter from amy miller telling me god hated me (pre-gay, even), and the courtney love poster that hung so gloriously on my walls during the Angst Years. ten days... this house had such awkward memories, if that makes sense.
- kate keeps calling me from bed bath & beyond...
- i'm much less over it than i had previously thought. in fact, in a big way. 5 am, much like 3:04 am, can do these things to you.
but i will follow where you go
one more mile to jericho
l&g.
Jul. 9th, 2005 @ 01:57 pm
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wisdom from mom:
you are the moon, and she is the person on the beach, staring at the moon. she admires the moon, she desires the moon. but when the moon is there, she wants to see the sun. and when the sun is out, she misses the moon. and she's confused about which she wants more... and just a question. when only three-quarters of you is out, and you've got those weird spots on you, what is that about? it kind of looks like a weird face.
good lord, i'm blessed.
i bottled up my hope, before it got spread too thin
i threw it in the ocean and then i jumped right in
love&glitter.
Jul. 3rd, 2005 @ 12:31 pm
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so i've discovered, with the help of ann taylor loft, oddly enough, an artist named jonatha brooke. she's wonderful & refreshing folk that is not angsty for a change, and i know i sound like a commercial, but i'm excited about her. eye in the sky (a cover) is a favorite right now. curious, it's been compared to delicate and the blower's daughter, by damien rice.
getting that itrip was the best thing. it's amazing. being in north kingstown is kind of weird. being anywhere except for my car is kind of weird, even though that sounds kind of odd. i feel more at home on the road than anywhere else in RI. i was driving home tonight & listened to independence day, by ani, because it's that time of year. i'll admit, i've been very distanced, because of camp and because of me, but when i heard that song, i lost it. it's kind of perfect right now.
however, nothing can detract from my high on life right now. i saw nessa today; we're great again. kate&i have been talking more, and i'll see meg soon. everyone else is at camp - oh, camp. we'll see what (if) this weekend brings. and if it brings nothing, there are seven more amazing weeks left. and we move in a little over two. it's scary to think about... i hate change so much.
my love for camp has made me reconsider my internship next summer... i can't let it; this is only the beginning for me - i am so much more than rhode island. it cannot contain me. why could you not understand that i am so big, so vast? fish girl, storm girl, mirror girl. someday, someone will understand.
and I ain't gonna take any more
believe me, the sun in your eyes
made some of the lies worth believing
Jul. 2nd, 2005 @ 11:27 pm
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might i just state that i'm having the best time. living down in north providence is the best thing that could have happened - i'm constantly with people i have a great time with, and i'm separated from the drama (via lack of internet). my days are long & my nights are longer, and wonderful. my viewpoints may even be changing a bit, but it's just so much fun.
this weekend is devoted to a) packing & b) relaxing because my kids are shits. honestly, they're just not good this year. i have a couple of cute kids, but the rest are just violent. at this point, though, i could really care less.
this is what summer is supposed to be about.
love&glitter.
Jul. 1st, 2005 @ 10:52 pm
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